Issue 24: Raising Resilient Kids: A Parent’s Guide to Building Confidence, Empathy, and Grit | Heather Rice

Raise your hand if you think parenting is hard. Raise both hands if you think you have failed your children in some way or another along the journey. If you are like me, you recognize that the greatest honor in your life was bestowed upon you the moment you were called "mother" or "father," and you don't want to mess up and be the cause of your child paying a therapist in their 40s. I was 29 when I became a mother for the first time and 36 when I had my third son. I was not handed a manual or "How To" guide for parenting, let alone a rule book for raising boys. I, like you, have had to figure it out, sometimes through seeing other people's mistakes, and mostly as a result of my own, but the figuring it out part never really gets easier!

When my boys were babies, I worried about what I didn't know as a mom, and as they grew, the worries became more external and were related to the pressures of the world, friends and school. It is a daily challenge we face as parents that I'm certain we will all likely be feeling when we are 80, and our younglings are parents and even grandparents. As long as we walk the earth, we will worry about our children's well-being.

Raising confident children today can feel like coaching a football team where the goalposts are constantly moving. As a mother of three boys, I've navigated countless "character-building" moments from sports injuries that lead to broken bones, years of sacrificing having nice things in a house full of rambunctious boys, power struggles during the pre-teen years, the stress of teaching boys to drive, academic challenges, friendship and relationship drama, self-esteem pep talks, and plenty of homework meltdowns. In my 20 years as a mom, my goal has been to raise them in such a way that I can instill a confidence in my sons that cannot be destroyed by life's inevitable storms.

In a world filled with uncertainty, building confidence and grit in our kids means equipping them with the tools to face challenges. They need more than the ability to survive; they need the resilience to confidently thrive as the storms brew around them. As Tom Petty once said, I want to raise kids who "won't back down" when life throws big boulders in their way.

While I do not profess to have all the answers, I did put together some practical tips that I feel will help children develop the confidence, drive, and adaptability they need to succeed, no matter what challenges they face.

Raising confident children today can feel like coaching a football team where the goalposts are constantly moving.

Teach your children that they can do hard things

Being safe is what we are innately created to do. It is in our core to survive while caring for our physical and mental well-being, and let's face it: taking big risks can impact a person's health and safety in positive and negative ways. But when people retreat and seek the safety of shelter, never leaving to feel the sunshine on their faces, they lose their sense of adventure and exploration that is needed to find a sense of purpose for their lives. When we run away from hard things, we will never get to feel the power of being an overcomer. Imagine how boring life would be if everyone only did activities they were good at and never tried something outside of their comfort zone. Confidence is built when we succeed at something we never thought we could do.

How do you know you aren't good at hitting a baseball unless you try to swing a bat? Maybe the child who is painfully shy and lacks social skills can learn to come out of his shell by finding comradery as a member of the baseball team. Maybe his unique win will be found in a world where he feels challenged, not safe. I believe it is our job as parents not to allow our children to choose only the safety of activities that they are naturally drawn to and gifted in, but children should be coached, prodded, and encouraged to step outside of those comfortable spaces and try things that feel awkward or that they lack confidence in. Encouraging children to try new skills, activities, and things that are hard for them is important because it is in overcoming challenging things that builds confidence.

His victory wasn't just in the hit or even making it across home plate, but it was in his grit, determination, drive, and flat-out refusal to let failure define him.

I'll never forget my oldest son's decision to join a baseball team in his junior year of high school despite having never played one single game before. He had pursued culinary courses for all of high school and had not played any sports. He signed up for a recreational league and was now competing with boys who had played since tee ball. He faced criticism, was mocked by some of the boys, questioned about why he was doing this at his age, and often benched. There were Sundays that he was scheduled to play a doubleheader and only played one inning per game. He spent the rest of the time sitting on the bench, ready for the coach to call him on the field, but they called the more experienced players. Every Sunday, he showed up, worked hard, and refused to quit! After watching him sit out many games and feeling discouraged by his lack of play, I wanted to talk to the coach and advocate for him to find another league, but I sat back and allowed him to figure it out. He needed to be the biggest contributor to his own win. It was hard not to respond as a parent, especially watching your child be ignored and even mocked at times. I even got to the point that I asked him if he wanted to try and find another league, but he refused. Game after game, he stepped up to bat, determined to have his moment, get his hit, and run the bases. His persistence paid off one day when his bat connected with a ball, and he hit a line drive past second base, which resulted in him making it to third base. His victory wasn't just in the hit or even making it across home plate, but it was in his grit, determination, drive, and flat-out refusal to let failure define him. He was determined to try something new and refused to quit until he was successful. His confidence grew with every at bat. What if he stayed in the culinary kitchen and never ventured out to the baseball field? His win was waiting for him, and he would never have known.