Issue 15: Creating Neurodiversity-Affirming Families: Where Do We Start? Dr Joanne Riordan

The Neurodiversity Paradigm

The neurodiversity paradigm has exploded within the world of inclusion, and rightly so. Neurodiversity relates to the different ways we all learn, process, and experience the world. Those that learn in the most typical way are neurotypical. Those that learn and experience the world in a way that is categorically different to the neurotypical experience are neurodivergent. Within the neurodivergent umbrella, we include diagnoses such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and dyspraxia/DCD. Within the neurodiversity paradigm, we look at these diagnoses as learning differences with strengths, difficulties and neutral aspects, as opposed to learning difficulties.

The neurodiversity paradigm focuses on creating enabling environments that reduce barriers. Therefore, we can see our families and homes as an environment that requires adaptation to enable our children to thrive.

The final aspect of the neurodiversity paradigm I wanted to draw attention to is the value of listening to those with lived experience of being neurodivergent, in addition to the opinions of professional experts. I write this article as a neurodivergent educational psychologist and a mum in a neurodiverse family with both neurodivergent and neurotypical children. I draw on both my lived experience and professional expertise to write this article.

Many of us parents and carers of neurodivergent children can see the value in the neurodiversity paradigm. The current systems and mainstream parenting practices often do not serve our families well. However, it can be challenging to create neurodiversity-affirming families because there is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to support our family's unique needs and strengths, which are different from any other family. Instead, I have included a list of 5 questions below that I believe we should be reflecting on to guide us in making changes to work towards being neurodiversity-affirming families.

-> 1: Are we adjusting our expectations of our children based on where their skills are and how emotionally regulated, they are in this moment, not what is typical at their age?

There are constant expectations of what our children ‘should’ be doing in childhood, and it can feel like judgement for our children to be sticking to these expectations comes from everywhere. However, as Dr Ross Greene has famously said, “Kids can do well if they can”. Our neurodivergent children often have different strengths and difficulties than typical at their age, and we need to adjust our expectations to these rather than what we feel is expected. For example, if we have a child that needs to move and fidget to regulate, then it is probably not realistic to expect them to sit still at the dinner table from the start to end of a meal.

This also gets more complicated, as where our children’s skills are at one point in time may be different to the next day or hour. Some learning differences, including autism, are known as ‘dynamic disabilities’. This means that an individual’s skills and ability to cope can fluctuate, depending on a range of factors, such as tiredness, sensory overwhelm, and not being emotionally regulated.

-> 2: Are we planning ways to support our children’s mental health?

There are often higher rates of mental health difficulties amongst neurodivergent children, such as anxiety and depression. In my professional view, a contributing factor to this is that society is designed in a way that is more beneficial to neurotypical individuals. It is like always being a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. So as parents of neurodivergent children, we need to be creating opportunities to support our children’s mental health, as well as removing barriers.

A really important activity that helps children relax is free play. Children benefit from regular unplanned time, indoors or outdoors, to engage in play activities that they have chosen. Play activities only need to make sense to that child. Children who experience the world differently often play in different ways too. And that is okay; we should not be steering them towards play that makes more sense to us. Your children’s favourite play activities may be more conventional Lego and doll houses, or they could be activities such as lining up cars, digging in the mud, and talking about their special interests. All serve to help a child unwind and connect with others.

Mindfulness can be a helpful tool to help all members of the family (neurodivergent and neurotypical alike) to support their mental health. Mindfulness seeks to bring about calmness by focusing on the present moment. Different activities will work better for some than others, so the key is to try some activities out. Ideas include mindful colouring, mindful stories, and a nature walk outdoors listening to the sounds of nature.

-> 3: Are we planning opportunities to allow our children to show their strengths?

Our neurodivergent children can face difficulties, as things are not best designed for their skills. School can be tough for a lot of neurodivergent children. However, absolutely all children have strengths. It is great to help our children identify their strengths and talents and create opportunities to develop and showcase these. I often advise families to resist the temptation of finding extra-curricular clubs to help children catch up on skills. Instead, find extra-curricular clubs or activities that really play to your children’s strengths and boost their self-esteem.

Helping our children understand neurodiversity is beneficial. This enables them to recognise that there are both strengths and difficulties associated with their learning difference and being a neurodivergent individual.

-> 4: Are we helping our children to advocate for their needs?

Whilst neurodivergent children can absolutely make progress, there are likely to be barriers and difficulties throughout their lives as the world is not necessarily best designed for them.

Therefore, we need to be teaching our children how to advocate for their needs and accommodations now so they can also effectively do it themselves now and in the future. It is important that we ask what they would find useful at home and school and then explain to them how we have acted on this information. This models that their views are important and respected. We could help our children advocate for their needs at school, such as helping them write a letter to their teacher or listing helpful strategies. This then builds their confidence in future self-advocacy.

-> 5: Are we supporting our own needs?

The saying “You can’t pour from an empty cup” never ran truer than for parents and carers of children with additional needs, including parents of neurodivergent children. We may be spending extra time advocating for support and services for our children and feel like we have less time or capacity for self-care. However, we may have to co-regulate our children’s dysregulated emotions more often, through staying calm to allow them to borrow our calm. Self-care requires constant reflection to ensure our own needs are met. We also need to be acting collectively to ensure more parents and carers can do this.

Summary

In summary, we absolutely can be doing things to become more neurodiversity-affirming as a family. This will have benefits for our neurodivergent children, the rest of the family, and wider society. However, as every family is unique, the specific steps required to become more neurodiversity-affirming are different. But these questions above are a useful start for us as families on that journey. What is a universal step needed in all families to be neurodiversity-affirming is ACCEPTANCE.

Dr Joanne Riordan

Dr Joanne supports the learning, emotional, and social development of children and young people 0-18yrs. This is achieved through assessments with young people and advice commissioned by parents/carers, schools, and Local Authorities.

Dr Joanne is a Neurodiversity Specialist Educational Psychologist who uses both her neurodivergent lived experience and professional expertise in her practice to deliver workshops to local authorities, educational professionals, psychologists, workplaces, parents/carers, and children on many topics related to neurodiversity. She is also a guest lecturer at Royal Holloway, University of London and an Associate Fellow of the British Psychological Society.

Extracts from the Magazine