Issue 32: The Dystinct Journey of Liina Turtonen

I instantly thought it was a scam. Who am I to write a book? Do they know I am dyslexic?

It was difficult, but I did not give up. And now I am a published author. Who would have known?

Liina Turtonen never thought she would write a book. When a publisher first emailed her, she thought it was a scam. "Who am I to write a book? Do they know I am dyslexic?" Today, she is a music producer, teacher and published author. She draws cats to explain audio physics online and gets messages from people who say her drawings have helped them understand something they had struggled with. It's the kind of teaching she wishes she'd had growing up in Finland, where school often left her feeling that she couldn't learn like the others.

Liina was diagnosed with dyslexia early in primary school. Her mum was dyslexic too. "All I remember is that I hated school, as it made me feel so incapable." At around eight, she spent weeks trying to learn her multiplication tables, but on the day of the test, she couldn't write down a single answer. The teacher told the children they could go outside to play once they had finished. Liina sat beside the window, watching her classmates have fun outside. "I was there even when they came back in, feeling so much shame, and so dumb." Looking back, she wishes the teacher had noticed and let her go outside too. "I felt powerless, like the world was built for someone else and there was nothing I could do to fight it. Those early memories really defined how the rest of my schooling went. I stopped trying as I felt like there was no point."

As school became a place where she saw little point in trying, art classes gave Liina a chance to succeed. She was surprised to find she did well in geometry too. "Those were the first times I started to realise that maybe I am not as dumb as everyone is making me out to be." She shares that her mum was her "big champion", helping her believe in herself, and the drama classes she attended from five to sixteen gave her a place where she felt accepted. She tried acting, writing, stage design, sound, lighting and directing. "I could just be and explore with an amazing group of people." Being there showed her that "the world has so much more going on than school".

Those were the first times I started to realise that maybe I am not as dumb as everyone is making me to be.

Liina passed maths, Finnish and science with the lowest grades and left school with no expectation of going to university. She dreamed of becoming an actress and went travelling. At 21, she found herself in Glasgow, where she felt she could become the person she wanted to be. "I needed that distance from my own country and everyone I knew to really become me without any old preconceptions of who I am supposed to be." When a friend applied to study music at a university in Scotland, Liina decided to apply too. She had made music all her life but had never thought it could become her career. To her surprise, she got in.

At university, Liina found she enjoyed studying. "I have always been very curious, and I like learning, even though it was hard for me." Instead of trying to recall facts on a test, she could read, synthesise information, and write analytical essays on her own time and in her own space. "I am a very analytical person, so this was a perfect learning model for me." She did well and graduated with distinction, surprising herself and those close to her. It made her want to study further, so she enrolled in a master's in music production at York University.

I have always been very curious, and I like learning, even though it was hard for me.

Her master's brought her back to subjects she found difficult: maths, audio physics and coding. She was also diagnosed with dyscalculia while at university. She felt behind but remembers her lecturer as fair and strict. "He just told me that they can support me, but if I want this, I need to put the work in myself."

She spent hours watching online tutorials that helped her understand the maths and physics, and she passed her courses. Alongside music production, she learned more about herself. "If I want to learn something, I can. I just need to find the right way to learn it."

Liina had found ways to learn, but it wasn't until her thirties that she began to understand how much she still carried from her school years. "Going to therapy and talking about it has helped me understand how the trauma around it as a child still affects me and my identity." Those conversations also helped her recognise other neurodivergent traits in herself and understand what she needed help with.

I was never ashamed of being dyslexic. It's been such a big part of my life since always.

If people underestimate me, then it's on them.

She is clear, though, that she was never ashamed of being dyslexic. "It's been such a big part of my life since always that I feel like it's part of me, like the colour of my eyes." She finds some things disabling, but she is also learning to lean into what she does well. "I am a great problem solver, a holistic thinker." Assistive tools help with tasks she previously felt stuck on, and she doesn't hesitate to tell others she is dyslexic. "If they underestimate me, then it's on them."

Liina shares that when she was younger, she expected to do something creative, like her artist mum. She hadn't expected her work to involve so much technology and academic study. She became a university lecturer, teaching audio and music production, before deciding to teach online instead. Now she uses drawings of cats to explain audio physics, "teaching it in a way I wish someone had taught me when I started”. Every day, she hears from neurodivergent learners who have struggled to understand these subjects. "With my silly cat drawings, they understand the topics."

I now get messages daily from neurodivergent people thanking me for my videos, as they struggle exactly with what I used to, people trying to teach topics in a way they just can't understand. But with my silly cat drawing, they understand the topics.

Writing a book brought another round of doubt. Despite all she had achieved, Liina wasn't sure she could do what the publisher was asking. She spent five years researching psychology and the subjects she wanted to write about, using Grammarly and speech-to-text to help get her thoughts onto the page. "It was difficult, but I did not give up." Routledge published her book, Creative Confidence and Music Production. "And now I am a published author. Who would have known?"

Liina is also working on a funded project to develop a tool that lets people with disabilities make music using their bodies, including their pulse and muscle activity. In her teaching and writing, she keeps coming back to what she needed as a child. "I know nobody should go through that, but it was the path for me." She wants others to have a different experience, one where they can "find confidence in themselves from positive experiences, not negative".

Now I can focus on my life so that others don’t need to go through the same, and they can find confidence in themselves from positive experiences, not negative.

Liina Turtonen

Creative Confidence And Music Production

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Creative Confidence and Music Production: Overcome Your Insecurities is a practical guide for music producers to tackle self-doubt and navigate the relationship between confidence and creativity by offering tools to overcome the most common creative blocks.

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Extracts from Dystinct Magazine